Recently a friend read Heal Your Wounds and Find Your True Self: Finally A Book That Explains Why It’s So Hard Being Yourself also by Lise Bourbeau. She read this in french & gave me a summarized translation. I found it very interesting, I thought you might find it interesting as well. Also by the author is Your Body’s Telling You: Love Yourself!: The most complete book on metaphysical causes of illnesses & diseases by Lise Bourbeau
There are 5 wounds and we suffer from each one of them in varying degrees. Some of the descriptions may fit and others not because of the uniqueness of each one of us.
BETRAYAL
(muscular or stocky body, intense & active eyes, seducer)
reaction = control-freak
A person who suffers betrayal has first suffered from abandonment.
The child who feels abandoned by his same-sex parent, seeks solace from his/her opposite sexed parent.
If this other parent doesn’t respect the child’s idealized vision of a relationship, he/she will feel abandonned and then BETRAYED by this parent.
The attention needed (resulting from the sense of abandonment) causes the child to want to do everything to seduce and impress the opposite-sexed parent. The child grows up using this method to get everything that’s needed. With this attitude, the controller attempts to control everything and everyone through seduction and manipulation. The controller is desperatly trying to prove to the world that he is special. If the opposite-sexed parent is not convinced (i.e; not giving in to a demand), the child’s wound of betrayal will deepen, and will become even more determined to be ’special’…
Control freaks use their strength to show everyone how capable and perfect/impressive there are. They do not allow themselves to be weak, and want to be known as strong responsible people. There are very attached to their reputation.
The child feels so attached to the opposite sexed parent, it’s like being ONE person. Thus, if the child feels betrayed, the wound feels like an intense rip at the abdomen. As adults, these people usually don’t like to commit because they don’t want to feel that rip again. These people therefore attract unavailable partners or unfaithful partners. When they are in a relationship, they become one with the other person (like they did with their opposite-sexed parent) and if things go wrong, they will do everything in their power to delay the break-up or make it seem like it’s the other person who is initiating the break-up (for fear of being blamed of betrayal). So when it comes to relationships, it’s often an all-or-nothing situation. They do not want to be seen as the ‘needy’ abandonned child that they are, so they use their seduction/power to cover up that wound.
Controllers have the obsessive need to show how strong and powerful they are. They want to show others what they are truly capable of achieving. They think giving in to their fears or doubts is an act of betrayal. They are therefore not inclined to easily forgive themselves or others.
When they start a project, they do not want to backtrack or abandon (even if they should) because of their reputation or sense of responsibility. They can get into huge debt because of this. When they do abandon projects, they feel like they have betrayed themselves, and tend to repeat the cycle many times (they try too hard and so they give up eventually). They really need to be recognized as strong & important, responsible people.They therefore tend to develop a little (or big) tummy with age because they think they need to take up space and want to show their power (subconciously located at abdomen). Male control freaks tend to also develop upper body muscles in order to show their strength & power.(to defend themselves) . Female control freaks tend to protect their lower bodies with extra fat (pear shaped). This results from the fact that since they seduce/manipulate to obtain something from others, they fear that others will do that to them too. They therefore protect their sexual parts with a protective layer of fat. In their heads, they always fear that other people will ’screw’ them…(’se faire avoir’). Usually, that’s because their parents were also controllers, and instead of loving their children for who they were, they would manipulate them into doing things for them. For example, saying things like ‘you are the best at washing the dishes’ to get the child to wash dishes (making the child feel special in order to manipulate)….Women & men who develop lower-body fat can signal childhood sexual abuse.
Control freaks need people to trust them. That’s why they take everything so seriously. However, they do not trust others in helping them, so they do everything themselves. At work, they do not trust their employees, so they give them unimportant tasks to do. They wouldn’t want to risk their reputations. They are very bossy because they think they know everything better than others and they also think they can do it faster.
In their bossiness control freaks actually think they are servicing/helping others. But it’s the complete opposite. When a boss stops being too controlling (i.e. governing thru fear), and directs without necessarily imposing one specific way, the team is more efficient. A boss can be a boss and still learn from his/her employees. Control freaks need to KNOW everything. They cannot admit that they do/did not know something.They also tend to speak for others or butt in/intervene when they shouldn’t (they like to show their power).
When asked to do a sepcific job/task, even if they haven’t even thought about it, they will automatically say yes, even if they later realize they do not have the ressources.They do not want to appear weak, and they do not want to betray, so they often end up lying, causing complicated situations. If somebody doesn’t believe them, they will feel betrayed. Also, since they like being the boss, they do not accept authority. They must feel like the idea/project comes from them, and not from another person, otherwise they feel manipulated.
They therefore like showing their power & strength because they:
#1 they do not trust others and fear they are going to be screwed and #2, they don’t want others to take advantage of them and control them. Control freaks therefore do not follow orders, even if it’s in their interest to do so. So they really have a big issue with TRUST.
Control freaks like to be surrounded with ‘weak’ & ‘dependent’ people that can easily be bossed around. It boosts their self-esteem and makes them feel ’special’ and important.
They will crush these people with their strong opinions. They tend to impose their opinions, trying to violently convince others. They want to show that they are the fastest, wittiest, smartest…and they have no patience with slow people.
Since they think they need to manipulate others to get what they want, these people can appear very charming. With their charming eyes, they easily put people at ease. When needed however, they will also attack/judge with their eyes, intimidating people.
Control freaks are easily impressed and intimidated by ’strong’ & ‘powerful’ people and do everything to avoid contact with them. They fear loosing control and appearing weak.
Soulution:
Acknowledge that you are trying very hard to cover up your lack of self esteem because of an inherent sense of abandonment. Accepting ‘weaknesses’ in others will help you to accept your own and vice versa. People feel more comfortable around those who aren’t perfect and admit it without judging themselves because that means they do the same with others. Perfect people are boring and intimidating because they don’t allow free flow exchange of information, since they always want to be the ones ‘teaching’ other people. Allow yourself to be imperfect and human and you will receive help from others. Know that you are ’special’ and you won’t be spending so much energy trying to prove it to others. Trust that events can unfold in unexpected ways, and don’t force a particular way. Trust that help and assistance can come from others, not just yourself….
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