by 
Auriol Hays
The article was orginally published at: A Life filled with music
I often wonder where my life is going. Maybe I do this because I have way too much time on my hands or perhaps it’s just genetics (a critical character flaw on my part). Anyway after many years of thinking I have narrowed down my desire to one single thing. Above all else I want a life filled with music. Maybe I feel that way because I was a silent kid who hardly spoke and later still someone with so many piled up thoughts that left little time for music or anything else. So when I picture my ideal life I see it littered with musicians and all kinds of creative people. I see myself being so happy…in that wonderful garden…. drums, guitars and voices filling the air…. boisterous family members arguing …friend’s kids playing in the pool …people huddled together smoking and laughing… and great food being eaten.
Life, I think, cannot be filled with great moments. You need nuances…crazy variations…heightened emotions…days filled with uncertainty and doubt – that’s what makes it all so delicious. At best I have experienced snippets of something wonderful. A perfect day at the zoo…a great night out with friends … hiking on the mountain with family …being shit scared during a horror movie… watching a storm while sipping on Sherry….and hearing a song sung with ease and unexpected beauty.
People can still surprise you too, I discovered. I use to think that humans are not that complex…that if you looked carefully enough you could determine their motivations and predict their next move. Such arrogance on my part! I recently surprised myself when I was placed in an unexpected position. I was shocked by what I desired and was capable of. I always said I wasn’t a saint but jeez….to have so much verifying proof was a bit overwhelming. And here I thought that I was so evolved and knew what I was doing. I know now that I know very little….that even though I demand honesty of others I am not always honest with myself…
I have accepted that my life is never going to be about achieving big things but learning instead to appreciate those small exquisite moments that often pass unnoticed. Sure, if I am lucky enough those big moments will come and I will be elated! But a life filled with music (to me) means more than just that perfect scene I described earlier. It demands that I am awake and aware of everything. That even when the shit hits the fan my senses are not dulled. Maybe I can’t always be the one singing the song but I want Рalways Рto be capable if hearing it.
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