The Brink of Abandoning Identity

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I really am angry today and I'm trying to work through it somehow because I really need and want to work.

I had a IM conversation with a cousin from Egypt today in the morning, eventhough it feels it's still happening as I hear the words repeated in my head and feel it rolling endlessly before my eyes.

It's been a shock to my system. The conversation was about my mother and how things are really bad with her. And how she doesn't talk to me. And then my cousin started a whole long speech about how I should do this or that to appease her. And when I felt like she wasn't getting my point of view, my perspective, I just said, I don't want to talk about this ever again.

Then, this weird bridge into the argument where she thought I was ignoring her and being rude.. because I use IM conventions like "…." or "k". And I get called names, no different in tone and content than what my mother would have said to me in the same situation. And all I was doing was just being myself. I was reacting the way I always react, which is I go quiet and think, and wonder if I'll hate this poerson for being this way with me and resent myself for not being assertive.

And the words. The words! Why? Why is this necessary? To just say them and then move on as if words have no power to hurt or ruin.

Since morning, my mind has been weak and fraile, unable to focus. I'm shaking from the anger and the tears are really close. Really close.

I HATE EGYPT! I HATE EGYPTIANS AND THIS COMPLETELY RUDE, ALIEN, UNLOVING, INTOLERANT CULTURE THAT IS BENT ON BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING! I HATE THIS CULTURE THAT DEIFIES PARENTS AND MINIMISES FEELINGS OF OTHERS DOWN TO THE MOST UNIMPORTANT THING IMAGINABLE!

I hate it. I hate being a third culture kid. I hate being raised without a culture or home. I hate being raised as a nothing, a wanderer, a cultural and social mutt. I hate this accent, I hate this life. I hate how I've tried for years to be part of this culture which now rejects me, which doesn't recognise any of my attempts to belong. I hate belonging and wanting to belong and the deep-set feeling of desiring belonging. I hate my parents and I hate myself for feeling so shit and weak, the least conversation or word able to ruin me. I hate feeling so vulnerable and weak, so ungrounded and sickly. I hate having to work so hard just to keep myself sane. I hate having to walk around every day of my life with old and new anger. I hate it.

I hate my life and I hate my birthcountry and I hate the language that I sometimes can't stop speaking simply because it's become such a part of me. It would be right now like severing off my leg just because it happens to attract bullies for fetishes for broken femurs. I hate the inadvertent lunges into Arabic and slang and humour. I hate it because I can't stop it and stopping it means regutting my identity and left with nothing. What do you have when you have neither family nor heritage?

I don't know what to feel or say because there is so much unspoken and unbridled emotion, coupled with hot thoughts, and I have to get them out. I want to be free.

I'm going to somehow go on a complete Arabic ban. Because for me, speaking Arabic and being the person that I am is not acceptable to people. If I speak Arabic, it seems to automatically imply that I am Egyptian in every way and I can therefore take your shit. There is no place for me in this world as a third culture kid, a mentality and cultural crossbreed. There is no place for me in Egypt, Sweden, England, or South Africa. I will always be this freak of nature, the type you piss or spit on when you walk by BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST SO FUCKING WEIRD. How can you sound American yet be born in Egypt? How can you be a Swedish citizen yet have gone to the UK for university? Why aren't you just simple to parse, process, and accept? Why aren't you like this? Why are you so fucking fucked up, you fucking fuck?

And my parents constantly telling me that I am not acting in an Egyptian way, that I'm a bad son, that I'm just this mess who can't do anything right. That I must be advised and reminded of everything because I'm two shakes from being an invalid. Speaking to them about where I am is useless. Speaking to them about my mental and emotional state is futile. Speaking to them about their effect on me.. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING USELESS AND FUTILE AND OMG HOW CAN YOU BE SO FUCKING STUPID. HOW CAN YOU EXPECT YOUR PARENTS TO HAVE ANY EMPATHY OR ANY DESIRE TO REACH YOU IN YOUR OWN WAY! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE GARBAGE AND THUS YOU WILL BE FOREVER! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT YOU WILL FOREVER BE IGNORED, DESPISED, AND TREATED LIKE ROTTEN SCHMEGMA!

So many conflicting desires and thoughts are in my head, wrestling for dominance and governance. I'm angry at myself all the time for not being assertive.

Please. Please. I'm tired. and so angry. And so ruined.