The Evolution of the Shath, said Cath

And now, now I look back and I am proud. Proud of Gates because she finally got a job, yo. Like a real one . Proud of who she refuses to  back down for and well, this is where I need to talk to someone directly.

Assume Nothing. Everything starts with a smoke break.

Sheena’s post got me thinking. And laughing. And laughing some more.

You see, the thing  this, Universe, when you put two rather demanding women in the same home at the same time, throw in a vivacious and spirited three-year old (who’s now four), and toss in a healthy dose of drivebys and Earl Gay Tea, you’re gonna get something to contend with.

Wah. /understatement.

It seems like a lifetime ago when I first said “you’re cool, we should like, hang out or something” to Sheena. The truth is, our lives have sped up since then. But, the best part about that is that we can keep up with each other. All it takes is a one-liner text or email that says something that means nothing to anyone else. For example, “stellar-jesus”.

That’ll mean nothing to alot of you reading it. But I guarantee Bean is laughing as she reads it.

It’s the texture of life that comes about when two super-women and one-in-training share a life together. I look back on The Shath days with fondness, and a familiar grimace. You see, not everything was peaches and cream. I am impossible to live with. Ask Sheena. Seriously. Ask her about the laundry and the time I nearly chucked the clotheshorse at her. Ask her about the time I tore a strip off her about certain-people-who-we-shall-not-name-but-who-i-think-are-tnucs-still-to-this-day-and-that-says-everything-about-my-loyalty-and-nothing-about-them. Ask her about my tea-em-eye moments of “dude, my turd totally looked like Ronald Reagan”. And ask her about how I used to stress about the most unimportant shit on the planet (nowadays I actually do stress about important shit). It comes with control issues. It happens. Gatesface and I had this whoresome technique of avoiding each other without avoiding each other, until one would unwittingly make the other one laugh.

My daughter has that weird OCD too. Sheen, remember the OMGCATHYOURKIDISDOINGAPUZZLEINAPERPENDICULARPATTERN moment. Ask Sheena what happened when she.forgot.to.close.the.fridge.door. I write this now and I giggle my head off.

You can ask me why Sheena shouldn’t, ever, be allowed near anything that may or may not have a one-way sign.

We had the stresses though. Money was tighter than the pants on Will Young, and getting in each other’s faces didn’t help sometimes. But, we got through. We got through by laughing, with silent heroic acts, tea and smokes. No matter what, we were able to laugh.

Something happened whilst The Shath was in existence. Something that changed my life and made my fragile heart break. I’ve never really divulged what that was and I don’t think I ever will but, Sheena’s emotional-as-a-toaster approach to it, and the love of some amazing friends, kept me sane. As I write this, I look back at that time, when Bean was really there for Cam, and I am so thankful she was around.

You see, the thing is, dudes, Cam and Sheena got on like nobody’s business. To this day, still, Cam worships her. Moreover, Sheena is one of Cam’s safe spaces in life. I know, when my little girl grows up and something or other goes wrong, Sheena will take that phonecall and give her that help, if Cam felt she couldn’t come to me with her problem. I had to work late once, and came home to find Cam happily playing with Sheena. It warmed my heart to know that Cam knew how to love, how to feel safe, beyond me.

As a single parent, that’s something really hard to find. Alot of the time, you feel alone in the world. Especially at 2am, with kid-spew down your back and a work deadline to meet. To Cam, Sheena is a guardian angel. And through her, I gained another. But we both agreed to never really talk about that beyond ourselves, because you’ll have us both committed faster than you can say “whippersnapper”.

Actually, now that I think about it, there was that time Sheena was nearly committed. But that’s only funny to us and doesn’t mean what you think it does.

There were always some questions raised about our friendship. At first, pretty much everyone thought “yay! scissoring sisters!” but, dudes, sorry to break the fantasy up there, we’re just not that into each other. Heh.

It was Sheena who had the balls, and the dumbness, to throw me a surprise party for my birthday at an emo time in my life. I have totally got revenge on her now, after that quicky AngelandGlugsyouareamazing trip. We’re even. I hope.

The truth is, The Shath was an experience we all needed to have. And I’m glad it happened.

When we first decided to move in together, we wrote each other epistles of ground rules and regulations. Most of which ended with “and this will require flow-charts and diagrams to explain, along with 42 cigarettes and a plastic weapon of some description”. I keep those in a little file and laugh my ass off.

And now, now I look back and I am proud. Proud of Gates because she finally got a job, yo. Like a real one . Proud of who she refuses to  back down for and well, this is where I need to talk to someone directly.

You see, Jon. As weird as it sounds due to the short space of time you and I have actually spent in the same province together, the outside world would probably think me self-important or presumptious to say that to you. But. You passed the five-second-Cath-sum-up test on the day you stood in my driveway. I make that sound so lame, I know. My very first look at you though, and I knew. I knew you were going to be to Sheena what a certain person was to me. And you were. And you are. I thank you for that. Yes, I’m maternal and over-protective and don’t you ever step out of line (insert evil cackle) but, I knew from the moment I met you, that you were indeed smit with her. It warmed my heart, and I said to Sheena, “he can stay”. And you are. Don’t ever let anyone take that away from you. And good luck with meeting the family. With you, I just knew. Thank you.

So much happened in that short space of time that was The Shath. But there was also, however…

And Sheena, this part is for you (say it out loud, it’s even funnier):

britneykaraoke/hand me the remote/sckck4t/dameshuis/youjustcringed/an abundance of pens/driveby-driveby/there’s hobos in the garden/where the fuck are my pants/anti-fuckwit spray/let’s vlog this/we love sue rutherford/fuck you and die in a hole/i love the way you do the mash/you spurted tea/i spurted vitriol/i have an account/paternity tests/let’s go shopping/chip roll/no parking sign/sorry warwick/no look, we’ll go straight home afterwards i promise/fuuuuck 3g sucks/dairy product purchase/insert hand motion/say mmmmm with me and slant your eyebrow/sit with me on this beach/buy a green dress/no, fuck that/jaysus no really, how big is your family/eugene with the chinos/the world’s worst handyman/omg marrying him/okay maybe not/what is weird al?/omg sheena you are so uneducated/cath, learn to say no/cath, learn to say yes sometimes too/it’s 2am and that means i probably have a plane to catch/carmen/i’m saying nothing more but carmen/sheena is now spurting tears out her bum at that/our neighbour has issues/clearly she thinks we’d like some too/look, i know it’s 2am, but it’s only a few friends/the chocolate is full of bath/if that doesn’t happen i’m gonna shit pooh/shit you not/half-tide tea/okay my car’s been stolen/no really it was there/did you move it?/are you sure?/it’s not a fucking sign/it’s a billboard/mac/oh mac how useful you have been/trashcan/saying nothing more/choon-me-pasta/it is entirely possible that we are clinically insane/somebody is wrong on the internet/fuck. i hope it’s not me/let’s tweet each other from the next room/yes, we are that lame/through shit and through smit/twin powers activate.