The Growth of Midiane

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I think it's a justified notice to make that over the next couple of weeks, you will start to be introduced and read at length the words complicated and relationship in my posts. And these won't be about women. These posts will be about the various complicated relationships I have with different aspects of my life and personality and interests. You could call this, as well as subsequent related, posts as "Relationship Status: In a Complicated Relationship with…", each ellipsis replaced with a new partner.

This one is the beginning of the exploration into "… with Names".

Recently, after the solo retreat, I decided to embrace Midiane as my name to all except people at my dayjob and my family. I chose it soon after I moved back here as part of my music work with Mash Entertainment. I am using it on Efmevi and in my film work through Enflesh Films. I had started using it because I wanted to avoid contractual issues with my then employer for my private work. I put it on my Enflesh business cards and asked people to use it when dealing with me. It got confusing when I would have met someone, using my birth name, and now I'm telling them, no no, it's Midiane to you.

I found it hard to assert myself for a very long time to get people to use this name. It was equally hard to get myself to welcome it as my name rather than an impostor. I don't have the restrictions through my day job anymore. And people don't think it's all that important, simply because even if I insist a few times, I give up. If it's not important to me, why should it be to them? As much as I wanted to use it, it got me thinking about my birth name. I don't feel all that comfortable with it. In the name lies too many memories of all shades and intensities, of teasing, ridicule, failure, weakness, and nightmares. It brings me to face the literal meanings and etymologies behind it. And I am simply not comfortable with it.

When I was in middle school, I was teased mercilessly about it. Unfortunately, in Swedish, my name is the same word as landmine. It got so bad that I wanted to change it to David. Anything but the original, I begged my parents. They shrugged it off and I took the struggle to my inner life of thoughts and dreams. The religious memories of my birthname… for another day.

I have always flirted with nicknames or alternate names. It seemed easy and therapeutic to escape that way. In ways, using Midiane is in the same vein but not fully. The most recent flirtation, which blew into a full-blown attempt, was Misteka. And to that, I'll never return to and I will accept the only byproducts of it, the e-mail address and Google Talk accounts I have.

I learned a lot through the Misteka name phase, mostly about Egyptian culture and that my identity concerns are far from addressed. A name chosen didn't help me get any closer or feel any more settled. I'm still the same guy who can't put in a value in the "Hometown" field in my Facebook profile.

I'm now more assertive and strong-minded about using Midiane. The main reason lies in that Midiane is not rooted in a phase or fad. It is not rooted in a rebellion or flirtation with a culture I want to court to resolve my identity wanderings. When people ask me the reasoning behind the name, it's the stock but meaningful answer made of two parts. It's a contraction of my full birthname. When pronounced, there should be a French twist or feel to it, that being a perpetual sign of reverence to my cousin Fatigue, the most powerful artistic influence and role model to me in my life.

I use Midiane now everywhere in my work and on-line life. I will start using it in my web work and with my friends. Midiane is not another personality nor a hanger on which I hang my dreams of the person I want to be. Midiane is not some catchy name to lure clients nor make easy friends nor attract immediate fame.

Midiane is me, reconfigured for success in life and in constant connection with Fatigue.

I haven't seen Fatigue in 7 years. I miss him dearly. When I start to experience severe troubles in my life, I yearn to spend time with him and my wish is granted through dreams. They're often the same: running towards him, jumping into his arms, experiencing that intense feeling of acceptance and repose in his embrace. When I get out of the troubles, I don't think about him as much but deeply, if I was to stop and let myself feel deeply, I yearn for him. I yearn to watch him play the guitar and sing from his soul and laugh his staccato chuckle, revealing his wide-lipped smile.

So, very soon, Midiane.com will be here. And it will house and be the portal to all my work and activity on the Internet. It will communicate who I am, both on-line and off-line. I could use the phrase, the Midiane brand when speaking of the upcoming Midiane.com website, but I am highly skeptical of modern advertising and marketing, and the philosophical and theological implications of identity as brand. I'd rather use the phrase, the person Midiane: on-line and off-line.

And who is Midiane? The guy that you know already and also Midiane is a filmmaker, writer, vocalist, technologist, novice theologian, novice intellectual, novice academic, and musician. Oudist-to-be, son, brother, citizen, and traveller.

There is nothing dramatic or momentous about this post. This post is to explain, not hard sell, for those who think that it's pointless to have a different name than your birthname.